Friday, August 19, 2016

Ninjas of the Week

It's that time again, when we celebrate the people and animals that did something ninja-worthy this week - something that helps them stand out from the rest of us mortals who can barely eat our nachos without spilling cheese on our shirts. So let's get started!

5. NASA


Astronauts Kate Rubins and Jeff Williams completed a 5+ hour space walk this morning, and installed a parking space at the International Space Station. A parking space. FOR OTHER SPACESHIPS. The walk was broadcast live on NASA's YouTube channel. lt's crazy enough to think we're only a few years away from robot cars, but casual space travel blows our minds!


4. TUFTS-LOVE REX


Two paleontologists in Montana this week discovered an entire Tyrannosaurus rex skeleton buried in a mountain. The 66 million year old dinosaur is a rare find - there are only about 15 T-Rex skeletons found in the world. The 2,500 pound head was transported to University of Washington’s Burke Museum of Natural History and Culture in Seattle for display. Starting tomorrow through October 2nd, you can view it at the museum. Paleontologists Tufts and Love are still working on the rest of the skeleton, which is only 20% uncovered. I'm pretty sure no other ninja in history has been able to stealthily hide for 66 million years...

3. BART THE DOG



Bart's football went in the pool. Like a lot of dogs, Bart doesn't want to get wet. But he really wanted that football. So Bart, channeling his inner ninja, decided to take a raft out to rescue that ball. We should all take a page from Bart's book - a ninja always finds a way.

2. AMY SCHUMER


Amy Schumer released her new book this week, Girl With the Lower Back Tattoo, and its a great read into the mind of a woman who is definitely a ninja at empowering other girls and women - not taking crap from media and her haters, and just being herself, which means not apologizing for who she is and what she does. Congrats to Amy on her new release, and on being one of the funniest women in Hollywood.


1. USAIN BOLT


What can we say about Usain Bolt? He's literally the fastest man on Earth. He's so fast, he has time to joke with Canadian sprinter Andre De Grasse during a heat, while the other two runners look like they're about to die. Usain deserves both of his Rio Olympic gold medals, and we salute him as the fastest ninja alive.

If this doesn't motivate you today, we don't know what will. Maybe those nachos?

Saturday, August 13, 2016

Office Olympics for the Win!


We here at Office Ninja Central have been paying close attention to the 2016 Rio Olympics this week – we actually haven’t gotten anything else done, and we’re a bit worried the boss is going to be angry. Just a few minutes ago, he walked in and gave us this face.



So we figured we should get to work… BY HOLDING OUR OWN OFFICE OLYMPICS! We’ve got five events to compete in and may the best office athlete win! Because we like you, and we don’t want to be the only office slacking off, we thought we’d share the events with you, in case you want to compete with your coworkers! Oh and Office Ninja takes no responsibility for the shenanigans we're about to explain. Compete at your own risk. Bonus points if the winner is named Simone.

Target Shooting


Take your best stapler, load that baby up, and pin up a picture of the boss across the office. Then, open up the stapler and aim for her/his face—uh, I mean tie. Aim for the tie. Closest to the target wins!

Chair Races


Take two chairs with wheels out to a tiled hallway, preferably wide enough for the chairs to race side-by-side. Otherwise, race them one at a time and best time wins. Bonus points if the boss comes around the corner and you take him/her out.


Coffee Mug Relay


This works best if the coffeemaker is on a different floor. Athletes start the farthest point away from the coffee, and race towards the coffeemaker. Your teammate, once you arrive, has to make the coffee from scratch – no using yesterday’s old sludge, save that for the boss – and then passes a full mug of coffee to a third teammate, who has to get it back to the start without spilling more than 10% of the coffee. I suggest picking someone wearing a nice crisp white dress shirt for the final leg.

Pommel Desk


This works best using the desk of the coworker you like least. Throw all their stuff on the ground, and attempt your best pommel horse routine using their computer as the pommel. Extra points are awarded if the employee whose desk you’re using reports you to HR and you finish your routine before they show up. Don't forget to stick your landing and smile!

Competitive Eating


Two athletes have to eat the oldest items in the company refrigerator, racing for fastest time possible. Vomiting is automatic disqualification, but you get a bonus point if the item is so completely covered in mold you can’t tell what it is. Blue cheese doesn't count.

Good luck, may the force be with you, and go for the gold!